Next Steps
At times we step forward, not knowing how our lives will change and adapt as we do. But other times God gives us more awareness. We feel the anticipation. We know we are in a moment of transition, a moment of stepping into something, even if we don't know what that will look like or how long that moment will last. We can't see where the path is going, but we can still see it's leading us somewhere.
I'm in a special moment of anticipation in my life right now. I know God is moving me, preparing me, inviting me into something, but I have no idea what that looks like. I'm having to take it step by step. And at one point in my life, that would've been the most terrifying thing.
Because I never trusted myself to step towards God.
I always thought my heart would lead me astray. And when I sought God for answers, I placed more weight in my ability to understand Him than in His ability to make Himself known. And since I didn't have any confidence in my ability to understand Him, I ended up in constant tension and anxiety, desperately wanting to follow God, wanting each step to lead deeper into Him and His plans for my life, but not believing that I could.
As it turns out, that's the perfect recipe for decision paralysis. And that's where I lived for years. Each new job, each new crush, each new opportunity, if anything could impact my life, how was I supposed to step into it if I didn't know that God was in it? What if I made a choice that led me away from God or where He wanted me to be?
Though the lesson didn't sink in until years later, God challenged this line of thinking even as I was the most trapped in it. I went to a Women's Retreat where our speaker talked about seeking God in decisions. She shared that sometimes God had a direction He wanted us to take and other times we could faithfully step into any of the options before us. But even in the former, she challenged us to step out. She told us to seek God and step out, trusting that He will hold us. Knowing that if we are seeking God and yet stepping into the wrong thing by faith, He has the ability to close doors as well as open them and to redirect us. Decisions give us the opportunity to grow in wisdom, but God isn't going to let us be led astray because we made the wrong decision while earnestly seeking His heart. He is greater than our lack of understanding.
That concept has been integral to my decision-making. Instead of putting all of my anxiety into finding the "right" answer, I can draw into God in the midst of decisions. Instead of looking for an answer, I can look to Him, trusting Him to work in me as I seek an answer. And while I can still get stressed out, feeling like I need to find the right answer, trying to figure out where God is leading me, I know that I can make decisions with confidence, knowing He will always be in it.
Usually we don't know the full picture of where God is leading us. Often we can't predict where God is taking us through these choices, but He's the One who establishes our steps. I can take off the weight of the self-reliance that kept me trying to hold my own faith instead of trusting God to hold me and keep me instead. I can make decisions that do not rely on being right but, instead, rely on trusting in God.
This has been so freeing.
And yet decisions are still an easy source of anxiety. Sometimes I find myself worrying about decisions that aren't even before me. Decisions I could maybe have to make in hypothetical scenarios, which leave me trying to make a good decision based on imaginary factors. As you can imagine, weighing the pros and cons of a decision that doesn't actually exist never gets to a good place. As I've entered a season of anticipation, believing that God is moving me towards a new season and the fulfillment of desires He's placed in me, Satan has twisted my good desire to follow God into fear over the wrong decisions.
But my fear has changed. I'm no longer concerned to the extent I was about making a wrong decision because I could not discern God's will for my life. Instead, I've started to fear that when my desires are before me, I will choose foolishly. That I will accept a corrupted vision. That I will step into something I want when God is leading me elsewhere. I will take a substitute for my desires, even when I can see its flaws and discern God's no, over the blessing God actually has for me. I'm afraid that I will convince myself that what is in front of me is God's will and justify the nudging in my spirit otherwise.
But God is forever kind.
Because as I've entered this season of anticipation, He hasn't let me sit in that. Early on in the process, He brought a man I didn't know personally to speak words over me, which were consistent with what He was revealing to me. As he spoke, the man said, "She wants to know that she knows that she knows what You're leading her to do. Thank You, Lord, that she's not going to have to guess, but she's going to know what Your will and plan is for her moving forward."
(Wow, can I just sit in that for a minute? When I first drafted this post, I left a gap to look up that quote, but revisiting it . . . I'm in awe of God's sweet kindness)
Like the wisdom I'd heard so many years prior, this word spoken over me was so incredibly freeing for my anxious soul.
It carried peace with it. And I was able to sit in awe of that peace, not connecting it to any other thing. But as I sat in it and the days passed onward, my heart continued to receive it.
I realized that my heart is not as rebellious as I tend to think it is. I do earnestly want what God has for me. And though I will receive many tantalizing falsehoods, which I will be tempted to take, I know that my desires cannot be fulfilled outside of God's handiwork. I don't want what God doesn't want for me, and so I cannot have my desire truly fulfilled by anything that is not led by God. A copy, which has all the makings of my desire on the outside, will not bring what I long to receive in God. And even if in His grace, He moved to bless me anyway, I truly do want what He wants for me. I want to see the story He is writing for me and all the unexpected places it will go. Even if I'm showing a lack of discernment, even if I'm tempted to step into places where I hear God's no, God is powerful enough to redirect my heart as I seek Him. He will protect me.
And I don't believe He wants to keep us guessing either. Those words told me that I would know God's plan for my life, but from the moment I heard them, I categorized them in the context of next steps. When I think of where God is leading, I tend to think big picture. He invites me into a single step, and I'm already trying to walk down the entire path to see where it leads before I know if that step is the one to take. I don't want to waste my time with getting off track, so I try to bypass the journey. I want to step in, knowing where the path will lead even if I don't yet have all the details. But this isn't how God usually works. And there's a freedom to taking a step at a time. For trusting Him to direct each one, knowing that none are small while also not putting the weight of an entire future on each one. And He has blessed me with the confidence that He will move, that He will direct me, with each new step before me.
Even if we don’t know the full picture, even if we can't see where each step leads us, I think God wants to show us the next right step. I think He delights in revealing those to us and delights in us stepping forward, trusting Him for where they go. Those steps might not make the story we’re expecting, but they will make the good story He’s writing in us.
We can step forward in freedom and security, knowing He holds us, He keeps us, and He directs our every step.
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