"Stay Beautiful"

I want to be known. I want to be loved. I want to be accepted. I want to be married.

None of those things are bad.

In fact, all of those are exactly what we have in God. We are fully known, fully loved, and fully accepted. He never affirms our sin, but He draws us into a better way out of love and in love. He is the only one who can fulfill those deep longings.

But it's actually good to desire those in marriage because marriage is meant to be a reflection of God's love for us. 

The problem is when those are our only motivation.

To receive love and acceptance without wanting to give it. To be known without trying to know. 

For a long time insecurity fueled my desire to be married. 

I wanted to know that I was worth something, that someone could love me. I wanted to accept and value myself based on the imperfect acceptance of another human being.

At times fear worked its way in as well. I was too old. I had too little experience. I wouldn't know how to date or kiss or be in a relationship when everyone else was well-practiced, which would just add to my lack of desirability. 

But a few years ago, something changed. 

I was talking to a long time friend about our past romantic interests--the experience itself, the dumb choices we made, the guys we liked. Most guys carried a subtle cringe with them, but we both had one that we looked back on with favor. The guy that we no longer liked but we stood by liking. The guy we still saw the value in after the romantic fervor had died away. And that's what I wanted. 

From that moment I wanted the men I liked in the future to only be men that I saw real value in. Value that stayed behind after the feelings of liking and dreams of being liked fell away. Value that wasn't dependent on anything being rose-colored but on something true to the actual person. And that was a turning point in my love life.

The next guy I liked was an answer to that prayer. Growing up in a sea of Christian boys, some part of me had started to believe that I couldn't expect much from Christians of the opposite gender. Sure, I saw men who prioritized their faith and loved Jesus deeply, but they were never in my romantic pool (or they were outliers who were not representative of the whole). But then I met a man who truly exhibited godliness in the midst of all his flaws. Who encouraged my faith profoundly in the short span of time in which I knew him. Who looked like Jesus to me.

The mutual interest was brief and never manifested into a relationship, yet this encounter taught me that I could expect more from the men around me. That lukewarm faith was not my only option. That I really could have a relationship where we both pushed each other towards Jesus. 

This man held deep beauty that went far beyond my romantic interest. It wasn't dependent on me liking him or him liking me. It didn't become uglier with time or lack of interaction. It stayed.

The chorus of Taylor Swift's Stay Beautiful became my post-interest anthem:

You're beautiful

Every little piece, love, don't you know?

You're really gonna be someone

Ask anyone

 If I never saw him again, I'd look back and think, "Stay beautiful." I valued him for who he was, and that value wouldn't change even as it dimmed into memory. Though our futures would unfold separately, I was excited for the future he would have, the fulfillment of his desires, the honing and practice of his purpose, the beauty he would receive and leave in the world. And I knew that in some way, valuing the beauty in him had influenced me in a way that would affect the spouse I chose.

This man won't be the only one in this category. But he was the first. Not only because of his value but also because of how Christ was moving in me. He was one of the few men that I found real value in post-crush but also God had worked in my heart to increase my confidence and reliance on Him, meaning that I could practice romantic interest in a way that wasn't merely self-serving. So no matter how short-lived that romantic potential was, God used it powerfully and practically in shifting my heart and preparing me to love well.

Strongly valuing someone who didn't stick in my life was difficult to navigate at some points (and tested both my pride and my desire to encourage), but it's been such a beautiful gift that helped to clarify my vision for a godly marriage. And when I finally meet my husband, the men I valued will be integral to making me the person I needed to be and teaching me how to see what makes him valuable beneath all the good yet superficial levels of initial attraction. 

In searching for value over self-fulfillment, I search for a person to love and support in the work God has given him in this life. Instead of looking for my own security, I get to give security to someone else, someone trustworthy, and to celebrate the gifts God has given him and the work God is doing in him. I get to be loved and secure by seeking to love a man of character, a man who is safe. I get to pursue a marriage of sanctification, acknowledging my husband's flaws and encouraging him towards his glory self, towards the person God created him to be.

The Kellers describe glory selves and marriage so beautifully in The Meaning of Marriage, filling me with joy, anticipation, and patience to await this vision:

If you don't see your mate's deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you're not even in the game. But if you don't get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren't tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship. The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved. You see even now flashes of glory. You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be . . .

The old self is crippled with anxieties, the need to prove yourself, bad habits you can't break, and many besetting sins and entrenched character flaws. The new self is still you, but you liberated from all your sins and flaws. This new self is always a work in progress, and sometimes the clouds of the old self make it almost completely invisible. But sometimes the clouds really part, and you see the wisdom, courage, and love of which you are capable. It is a glimpse of where you are going.

Within the Christian vision for marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, "I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!'

 Where selfish love, seeking to satisfy my own insecurity, had left me discontent and disparaging, this vision of loving someone else selflessly created a joy for marriage that I had never felt before. And though I will fail time and time again, I am so excited to see how God has worked in my husband's life, to see the dreams, passions, and purpose He placed within him, to support him in pursing those, to partner with him in growth, and to make him feel attractive, confident, loved, and cherished. And yes, I still want a husband who will do the same for me, but my eyes are no longer searching for the type of love I can receive but rather for the man I want to love in this way.

And though I'd prefer to meet my husband sooner rather than later, I trust that God gave me this desire and that He will bring it to fruition in His good and appointed time. And until then, I'm thankful for every romantic interest that gives me another glimpse of this beauty. Whose value I can see and get excited for. Who can show me the goodness of a life lived in faith.

I want to live in a way that I can step away from my romantic interests with the words "stay beautiful" resting on my lips. That we can both be impacted in a positive way by our time together even if we go our separate ways. And one day I'll see a man and say, "You're beautiful," and get to repeat that refrain for the rest of our lives, and I'm so excited to see his glory self unfolding as we step into sanctification together and to watch him "stay beautiful" day after day.