I’m Not Ready

Recently, a woman spoke encouragement over me, which God used to breathe a new kind of life into my waiting seasons, including my ministry. In the week that followed I became increasingly aware that I was waiting, but as I went about my normal patterns, I felt so tuned to the significance of those daily rhythms. I could see that God was moving in my life in powerful ways even if I didn’t know where He was leading me or when I’d see the effects. 

As I sat in this, my recognition expanded. I could see how God was working in the sweet time of fellowship, praise, and prayer at a friend's house or in the practice of leading a prayer meeting (and the discomfort that sometimes came with it) to prepare me to one day be able to host prayer and worship nights. To invite people into my home to seek God and be refreshed by Him. To be in intimacy with each other and with God in a special way. With each new opportunity to gather for worship and prayer, I was learning how different people lead and how I could one day lead too. God was giving me the tools I needed now so that when the time came, I could step forward boldly with nothing to hold me back.

For one week I sat in that beauty. For one week I embraced the joy of the training season. Of all God was doing to prepare me for the life I wanted. I basked in the vision and in the process that I could see leading me there.

One week.

One week until my "one day" became "today."

That’s all God gave me. And then He asked me to step out. 

During pre-service prayer that Sunday I noticed a theme of community and discipleship emerging. I even prayed that people would be convicted to take their next steps of community. To join a small group, to lead a small group, to progress their journey with God and others in whatever way God was leading them to do.

And I didn't think any more about it until I ran into a couple of ladies before church. I turned my back for one second, and when I turned back towards them, I was being recommended to disciple someone. I was honored and intimidated. I want to be the type of person who disciples, who says yes to meeting needs in my community, but I had never formally discipled anyone. I didn't know where to start.

Our sermon that day was on 2 Peter 1 and was all about how we're already fully equipped in Christ and lack nothing. 

That evening, still trying to wrap my mind around the potential, I went to a church meeting where our staff asked us to partner with them in accomplishing some goals for our future. They had different teams listed, which we could sign up for to participate in the endeavor. One of those ways included planning and leading prayer meetings, fasting opportunities, and daily devotionals. 

And you know what I thought when I saw that? That’s the kind of thing I’m working towards. That’s the kind of help I’ll be able to give one day.

But turns out that day is sooner than I expected.

Turns out that day is not in the future when I’ve grown more, learned more, and feel more prepared.

Turns out that day is when I still don’t know what I’m doing. When I’ve grown in some areas, when I’m in the challenging process of growing in others, when I’m learning new things, and when I don’t have any concept of how to start. Turns out that day is when all I can see beside the list of responsibilities is the words, "I'm not ready." That's what I felt. But apparently that bore no weight on me stepping out, so I checked the box.

Because I may not be ready, but I’m already fully equipped.

Learn by immersion has never been my style, but they do say it’s the best way to learn. I don’t think we’re usually ready for the next step when it comes, but it’s how we keep moving forward into God’s good purposes.

Sometimes the next step isn't the easy, natural thing we think it will be. Often God likes us to step in before we feel like we're ready.

That’s how we best see Him shine.

That's how we learn to depend on Him, learn to trust in Him instead of ourselves, and bask in what He can do in and through us even when we're nowhere near ready. He is in it. He's the one doing the work.

I'm still waiting, but I'm also stepping out. I'm not ready but my God is, and that's enough for me.