Oh God, My Patient Pursuer

Why do I compromise on pursuit?

At first I thought it was an old habit from when I built my friendships on insecurity, pouring in and accepting scraps.

Or maybe it was leftover from my days of unrequited crushes. When I feared rejection too much for my feelings to be made known and so saw no issue with pining away over someone who didn't even think to see me in that way.

But maybe it's deeper than that. Maybe it says something about my view of God.

A couple weeks ago the question hit me, do I believe God pursues me?

Intellectually, my answer felt like yes, but it didn't emotionally resonate. I tried to pray through it, but my beliefs seemed to reflect the idea that He does pursue me. I didn't know where to go from there, so I wrote it off as just needing to work that knowledge into my heart.

And a couple days later when the only song I heard at a worship night was about God being a patient pursuer, it felt like affirmation.

But the next week God worked it deeper.

I was listening to a sermon, and the pastor talked about how essential identity is and how we must identify the lies we're believing in our identity.

And for some reason that's what made it click.

I saw God as a pursuer. The way a father pursues his children. The way Jesus pursues His church. Beautiful, perfect pursuit.

He is a Father pursuing His daughter. I am a favored, beloved, treasured child. God delights in me and wants to work for my best. And even when I don't believe in moments, I have believed and have known that love is real. 

I see God as a pursuer. I see Jesus as the bridegroom pursing His bride, the Church, and I am part of that Church. Jesus is chasing us when we run to sin. He is making us beautiful even when we trap ourselves in our sins. He is loving us unconditionally in our sin even if He can never affirm it (but He doesn't have to because He took it for His bride). He is purposing us. He is standing by, consistent with us. He is steady and safe. He keeps our commitment. He loves us.

But I don't see Him as my bridegroom. My pursuer in that way. I can think of myself as one of the many beloved children. I can think of myself as set apart as a part of the church. But paradoxically I am being pursued by God along with all these other people, and yet I am individually being set apart and chosen. I am an individual as much as a whole.

And the relationship between husband and wife is so different than any other relationship. It is singular. It is choosing one person. Pursuing one person. We can have multiple friends, multiple children, multiple even mother and father figures. But only one person can take the spouse role. It is completely exclusive in a way no other human relationship is. And unlike any other family relationship. The spouse is chosen. Chosen over every other option. Any other people who could fill that role and any other people who get in the way of that role. The spouse is meant to be lifted up above friends, above parents, above children; it is the core human relationship, second only to God Himself. 

I know I have value. I can see why people would want to draw near to me. I see how much I have to offer. But can I see one person choosing me? One person setting me apart? One person wanting me over every other person? Even imperfectly. Can I see one person making me second only to God? One person lifting me up? One person really, genuinely wanting me? Not as a good or worthwhile option but as the option?

Not chosen because of his timetables or my willingness but because he sees my value, is empowered by me and wants to empower me, and wants to yoke to me. Not seeing me as likeable but forgettable or nice to talk to but not worth seeking out or accepted but not truly wanted. Instead, finding me desirable. Singling me out as valuable.

God loves us that particularly.

And if I can't imagine this imperfect, pale comparison to God's love, how can I imagine His perfect and patient pursuit? How can I believe I am loved like that?

I don't mean that I need to see it in a man to see it in God--it comes from God, is inherent to Him, and pours out of Him--but if I cannot receive the sometimes more easily tangible while also less powerful option, if I cannot practically imagine a man wanting me like that, what does that say about how I see the God whom he is meant to reflect?

Where is my image of God lacking and thereby my image of myself?

Because if I really saw God as my pursuer, setting me apart, it would change things.

Even as I write this, there's a dissonance in trying to work it into my heart. Because I am one of many. I am not the only one God pursues in this way. But paradox is part of the mystery of faith, and Scripture shows us time and time again that God pursues us with this particular, individual desire. We cannot logic our way out of God's covenantal love; He's choosing us alone, and that matters to our hearts.

It's time to believe it.